The Things I'd Say
by Even Gods Dream
Summary: Taichi reflects on his feelings for Yamato and the things he'd tell him if he'd been given the chance. [Yamachi, Oneshot]


A/N: Be prepared to see me going crazy with oneshots in the near future. There's stuff going on in my life I'd rather not think about, so I'm going to be busying my mind with fic.

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**The Things I'd Say**

If I could, I'd tell you everything. I'd tell you how happy you made me, how good it felt to know you were my best friend. I'd tell you how much I loved being around you, how just seeing you would brighten up my day. Then I'd go on to tell you how it was never enough, how I needed more than that, and how, for me, you always were so much more. I'd tell you how you were more than just my best friend, that you were in fact the love of my life, and still are. I'd tell you how you were my everything, and how I'd have given it all to have you feel the same. Sometimes I wonder if maybe you did. I guess now we'll never know. I'd tell you that you were always the most beautiful person I'd ever met, and probably ever will meet, that even when you were trying to look hard and cold, I could always see the compassion and love inside those eyes. God, those eyes. That's another thing I'd tell you. I'd tell you how amazing your eyes were, how I could probably have stared into them forever and not got sick of it. Though I guess you know as well as I do, that's probably not true, I'm not really well known for my attention span. But honestly, those eyes were one of the things that made every day great, they made me feel okay whatever was happening. I'll never forget the way they'd scan the crowd searching for me at your gigs, then when they found me, they'd settle on me and I'd become lost in them for most of your set. I'd also tell you how wonderful your voice was, but you knew that anyway, you'd hear it off your fans at least once a day. I'd even tell you how I could spend the whole of a Maths lesson daydreaming just about kissing your soft, perfect lips.

Then there's the more romantic stuff. I'd tell you how, if I could I'd write our names in the stars and capture them in a heart, how, if I could, I'd give you the sun and the moon for keeps. I'd have given everything up for you. Even Agumon. I'd tell you when this started, how in the digital world, even though we'd fight one hell of a lot, I found you intriguing, and quite simply the coolest kid around. I couldn't get enough of you and that darn harmonica.

Eventually, I'd tell you how lost I am without you, and how it hurts so much that we didn't have just a little more time. When they told you that you didn't have long left, you didn't tell us, any of us, until the day before you were going back in for the 'final preparations' as you so blandly called them. I was hurt you hadn't told me sooner, and obviously completely distraught. I spent the rest of that day thinking it was just some horrible joke of yours, that maybe you were trying to get me back for one of the genius pranks I'd pulled on you. But the next day, when I saw you in that bed, I knew it wasn't. I told you then I was hurt that you hadn't told me sooner, and you said you hadn't wanted to be a problem to people, we'd just had our midterms and you didn't want to worry us or get in our way. I always found it sad that you, the chosen child of friendship, would keep something like that from your best friends, just to save us the worry. Then again, look at me, allegedly the chosen child of courage, and I never had enough to tell you this secret of mine. I guess we've all changed a fair bit since we were the chosen. That first day I saw you in the hospital bed, I cried at your side, and for once I let you see me tears. I knew then that I had to let you know how I really felt; I just didn't have a clue how. But I had time to think about it, because they told us you had at least a few more days. So I went away that evening, leaving you with the sort of 'I love you' and kiss to the cheek that a best friend gives, and of course it was reciprocated in just that manner. I spent the whole of that night thinking it over, I'd planned out exactly what I would say, and the next day I came to see you. To my own surprise, I wasn't that nervous about telling you the truth, I was just terrified about losing you, as I had been since you'd told us. Sadly, when I got there, it was too late. They told me you'd gone earlier than they'd expected. I remember the world around me changing as everything became blurry. Part of me had been telling myself that you wouldn't leave, that it was all some mistake, or a dream, but in that moment it became reality. I remember screaming and crying, then running. I guess I'll cut a long story short and say I didn't handle it too well, but you try making anyone else lose someone they care about that much. They won't handle it any better.

The truth is, Yama, I'd have done anything to have always had you by my side, and if I could, I'd tell you everything, every little tiny thought inside my fuzzy head. I hate myself for never telling you, for not having that courage in me, so now I guess this is the only way.

Today is your funeral, and as I write this letter, I'm dressed in this fancy black suit that really doesn't look right on me. Underneath it, I have the blue t-shirt you gave me for my birthday last year. It makes me feel slightly better about being so formal. I hate that about funerals, the suits, the formality. In my eyes that isn't how it should be. It should be casual. My relationship with you certainly wasn't formal.

I'm sitting at the desk in my bedroom, writing this down in the neatest handwriting I can manage. You always did laugh at my sloppy writing. I'm going to let it go when we're outside, and hope it will catch a gust of wind, and that somewhere, somehow you'll be in this better place, and you'll be able to read it. It's the only hope I have that you know how I feel, because simply, Yama, you deserve the truth. I only wish I'd told you beforehand.

I hope one day, we'll meet again, and then we can be together for all eternity. That's if you want to.

I don't know what's going to happen without you now, but I know one thing's for sure, I'll never forget you Yamato Ishida. You'll always be on my mind. I hope you're happy wherever you are. I love you.

Yours, always and forever,

Taichi Yagami.

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-- _Even Gods Dream, 1st September 2007_


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